Gaslighting can happen in any close relationship, psychologist says

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that can occur in close personal relationships.

The term became popularized thanks to the 1944 movie 'Gaslight' starring Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman. Boyer's character tries to convince his new bride, Bergman, that she is going insane. Among other manipulations, he dims and brightens the couple's gaslights, then tells Bergman it is just her imagination.

While most people associate gaslighting with romantic relationships, Toronto-based clinical psychologist Dr. Monica Vermani says it can happen in any close relationship.

"Gaslighting is a form of emotional and psychological abuse where a person uses verbal and behavioral tricks to convince another person that they're losing their mind, not perceiving something accurately or is in the wrong and can't trust their own judgment," Vermani said.

The gaslighting may be intentional, or simply something a person does because they don't know how to have a healthy relationship.

"Other times, they do it unintentionally by repeating blueprints, meaning they grew up in environments where their parents were like that," Vermani said.

A sign someone is trying to manipulate you in this way include repeated challenges to obvious facts or perceptions of the victim, she said.

"They go to great lengths to make you feel like you're wrong, and so you lose the faith in your own judgment and you start to question your sense of reality," said Vermani.

"They tend to criticize, blame and make verbally abusive statements, which can chip away at yourself … and make you, again, self-doubt and wonder about your self-worth."

Even if you have clear proof that the gaslighter is lying – such as text messages and emails – they will persist in telling the victim they are wrong.

"Many gaslighters will deny responsibility and turn it around," she said. "They are so persistent in the denial that you believe them because they're so persistent in their denial."

Often, they will also try to convince the victim that they are somehow responsible for the abuser's bad behaviour.

"Like you made me do it, or I'm not the problem you are you need to go get help," Vermani said.

With soaring mental health challenges in the last couple of years because of the pandemic, more people are vulnerable to manipulation, she said.

"There's more low self-esteem. There's more people wondering what's wrong with them. There's conflict, more misunderstanding, more expectations, more feelings of like you're letting me down and I'm a disappointment to myself or a disappointment to others."

To protect themselves, Vermani said people should work on themselves, especially their self-confidence. Gaslighters thrive when people doubt themselves. And it's important to track the difference between what an abuser says and what they actually do.

"Doubting yourself allows gaslighters to have further power," she said. "Many times, gaslighters do one thing and say another. Their actions are more of an accurate story of what's going on."

If they are telling you that you're crazy or sick, and you notice they spend a lot of time putting other people down, those are all red flags.

More about Vermani and her work can be found on her website.

-- With contribuitions from Darren MacDonald